my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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