what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
We have so much sex to catch up on
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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