Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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