Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
