why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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