I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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