Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
