I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
