his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
