it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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