How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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