Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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