apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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