my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
