nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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