i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
