If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
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