im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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