i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
