idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
