One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
