He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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