Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just googled if crying burns calories
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
