I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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