I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Of course I have a pirate flag
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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