im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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