I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
