He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
