he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
That reminds me...we need to get swords
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
