I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
