If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
