life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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