Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
