I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Randomize
