my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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