Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Let's get the cat blown out
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
