i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
