PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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