Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
