I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize