I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
