I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
