I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
