There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
