yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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