you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
