guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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