Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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