How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
