this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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