After last night, I could never be a politician.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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