It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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