I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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