the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I touched a dick in church today
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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