john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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