I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
