Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
