Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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