oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
