Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
