I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
